Muggle Studies
by LunaPadma
Summary: They weren't going to play by her rules. They weren't going to write essays about why Muggles should all die. And if that meant essays about the Man Speedo every so often, so be it.
1. Chapter 1

Muggle Studies

_Homework- Write an essay about the animalistic Muggles. One roll parchment._

George of the Jungle versus Tarzan-

By Seamus Finnegan

I am a half-blood. This means I get to experience such wonderful things as Wizarding culture and Muggle culture. Simultaneously. This also means that I am aware of some things about Muggles.

The only animalistic Muggles I can think of (and remember, I grew up with them) are George of the Jungle and Tarzan. Mowgli, too, but I always hated The Jungle Book.

George of the Jungle is, quite frankly, an idiot. Which, I know, means that all Muggles are stupid. Whatever. Seeing as it is a Muggle cartoon featuring an idiot, he saves the day. Always. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons. The sidekick (an ape named Ape) is the smarter of the two, and his girlfriend is also smarter. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons.

Tarzan is about a hundred million times smarter. He was adopted into an ape family, and is nobility. He apparently speaks all these languages (how he learned _Mayan_ in the middle of the AFRICAN JUNGLE is beyond me, but Muggle books don't have to make sense). He's ridiculously strong and fast, and can swing on vines.

That's another thing. Apparently, if you're a wild person who grew up in the African jungle hanging with apes, you automatically swing around on vines. I don't actually think that monkeys (or apes, for that matter) swing on vines.

If it came down to a vine-swinging contest, George would run into a tree, as shown in his theme song. 'George, George, George of the Jungle, strong as he can be. WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!' Every other line in the theme song is 'Watch out for that tree!' Tarzan would just win and be awesome and all that jazz.

If it came down to a fight, seeing as Tarzan is used to wrestling rhinos (which I don't think live in the jungles of Africa. Now, normally, when faced with something like this, I would ask the smartest girl in our year. Heard of her? Her name's Hermione Granger, but due to the fact that certain people are being idiotic and not allowing smart people back in this miserable excuse for a school, she is not here. Why? Because her parents are unable to wield a wand. Which, if you ask me, is rather lame, because they can wield sharp dentistry tools instead. Be afraid of dentists. One of them invented the electric chair, you know), you'd think that he would win, but then you remember that, oh wait, it's George of the Jungle! He always wins! He stars in a Muggle cartoon! Due to a level of bumbling around and generally screwing up, the likes of which have not been seen since Fudge got sacked, George (and his best friend, an ape named Ape and his elephant Shep, his girlfriend and someone else Fella and Ursula. I don't remember which is which. I haven't seen the show in years) would win.

So yeah. Bet on George, because he stars in a Muggle cartoon.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"I wish to talk to you about your essay, Mr. Finnegan," Alecto Carrow says.

"So rhinos do live in the heart of the African jungle?" Seamus asks.

"What possessed you to write about these barbaric Muggles?"

"Well, wasn't that the assignment? Write about animalistic Muggles. So I did. You didn't give us so much direction, so I took my own take on the essay."

"Detention!"

"For what? I wrote about some animalistic Muggles. You didn't specify that they had to be real or that they couldn't be raised by apes! Why don't we let the class decide?"

"Mr. Finnegan, sit down!"

"I am a half-blood. This means I get to experience such wonderful things as Wizarding culture and Muggle culture. Simultaneously. This also means that I am aware of some things about Muggles."

"Seamus, sit down!" Neville hisses.

"The only animalistic Muggles I can think of (and remember, I grew up with them) are George of the Jungle and Tarzan. Mowgli, too, but I always hated The Jungle Book."

"_Crucio!_" Carrow screams.

"George of the Jungle is, quite frankly, an idiot. Which, I know, means that all Muggles are stupid. Whatever. Seeing as it is a Muggle cartoon featuring an idiot, he saves the day. Always. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons," Seamus continues. _Ignore the pain,_ he tells himself. _Focus on the look on her face._

"Crabbe, Goyle, remove this…_delinquent_ from my classroom," Carrow commands. The two each grab one of Seamus's arms and drag him out of the classroom.

"The sidekick (an ape named Ape) is the smarter of the two, and his girlfriend is also smarter. Because that's how it works in Muggle cartoons," Seamus yells even as the door slams behind him.

Parvati Patil begins clapping. "What are you doing, Miss Patil?" Carrow asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Parvati says, aggression dripping from her every word. "I was under the impression that we were letting the class decide. Or am I wrong and you cannot handle a few teenagers? I sincerely hope I was wrong, Professor Carrow."

"You will have detention with Mr. Finnegan, then."

"Looking forward to it."


	2. Chapter 2

_Homework-Answer the question-Why are wizards superior to Muggles? 1 roll parchment._

Why Wizards are Superior to Muggles

By Lavender Brown

They're not.

Hate to break it to you, but if you ask me, Muggles win.

Have you invented bombs that level cities?

Well, actually-OH WAIT. No, that was the Muggles.

Have you put men on the moon?

Nope. That was the Muggles, too.

Have you discovered a completely new language of writing, revealing hundreds of previously unknown spells and enchantments, allowing for greater study of magic and the Ancient Egyptian culture?

No, that was a Muggle, too. We're bad at this, aren't we?

One of the more useful inventions, one we use every day, one you can't criticize, invented by a Muggle.

Where would we be without the flush toilet?

Actually, I conducted a poll. I asked four students (one from each House) and Professor Snape this question 'Can you say anything bad about the flush toilet?' and then 'But it was invented by a Muggle.'

Neville Longbottom-Gryffindor Rep

"Well…sometimes Seamus pees on the seat."

Me: But it was invented by a Muggle.

Neville: So?

Neville Longbottom is a fine Pureblood member of our community.

Hannah Abbot-Hufflepuff Rep

"Well, I guess when it backs up, it's no fun…but that only happens when Myrtle's been at the pipes."

Me: But it was invented by a Muggle.

Hannah: Plumbing is not for the faint-hearted. I guess they're braver than us. I heard this one Muggle plumber runs around fighting these horrible monsters and rescuing princesses…

Hannah Abbot has been a Prefect since her fifth year.

Luna Lovegood-Ravenclaw Rep

"Sometimes the toilet can be used as a base by certain untrustworthy Blibbering Humdingers."

Me: But it was invented by a Muggle.

Luna: The Blibbering Humdinger doesn't care about that, Lavender!

Luna Lovegood is, arguably, one of the smartest girls in the entire Sixth Year.

Draco Malfoy-Slytherin Rep

"Why would I have a problem with the toilet, Brown?"

Me: Well, it was invented by a Muggle.

Draco: No wonder it's full of [here, I have censored a word, because I don't want to risk the chance of losing more Points or getting a detention or something. Its synonym was feces].

Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater (I saw the Mark with my own eyes). He is also a respected Pureblood student, and a prefect since his Fifth year.

Professor Snape-Headmaster

"No."

Me: But it was invented by a Muggle.

Professor Snape: …No comment

Professor Snape is Headmaster. He is also a Death Eater and has been teaching here for a while. Longer than you, in any case.

Make of that what you will. Clearly, nobody has a problem with the toilet, using it multiple times a day, even if it is a Muggle item.

I could go on, but I believe I have made my point.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

"Brown, stay after class. I need to discuss your essay with you."

"No."

"Ms. Brown, you _will_ stay after or you risk getting more detentions on top of the ones you will receive from your essay."

"Professor, with all due respect, bite me."


	3. Chapter 3

_Homework- Answer the question-If wizards were involved in World War II, how would the results have been better?_

Wizards in World Wars: What Would Have Happened?

Or

Why You're Delusional

By Michael Corner

I understand that wizards are supposed to be the noble race and all that jazz.

I also understand that you might be the single craziest person I have ever met, and I took Divination for three years.

If wizards were involved in World War II, there would be two factions-the Crazy People (that would be you) and the Right People (that would be the sane people, including, but not limited to, Dumbledore, Dumbledore's Army, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, all the Weasleys, Hermione Granger, and the Order of the Phoenix). We would win.

People would be slaughtered.

You would be in prison.

I miss the difference between World War II and now.

Genocide. CHECK. Actually, it's more of the idea of genocide. You aren't so good at it.

Creepy man in charge of Government? CHECK. (In your professional opinion, would this be You-Know-Who or Thicknesse? I'm voting You-Know-Who. Thicknesse can be, like, Mussolini. We need one of those, too.)

War? CHECK. And you're losing.

Indoctrination? SEMI-CHECK. You guys are really bad at that. Perhaps with cartoons….I like cartoons…

"Blood Purity"? CHECK. I put "Blood Purity" in quotes because it doesn't exist. I hear the Dark Lord himself's only half. He really is like Hitler. I made the right call up above. How much are you? I'm half, too. You, I think I'd peg as more of a…Muggleborn.

Look at us. We've got the makings of a nice little Holocaust on our hands.

You will get shut up in Azkaban. I will laugh and make fun of you.

In case you forgot, the good guys win.

They always win.

You lose. You're one of the bad guys.

When the Final Battle comes around, come find me.

I have a curse with your name on it.

HARRY POTTER WILL WIN!

Yours insincerely, Michael Corner

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

"Mr. Corner, you have detention."

"Not showing up."

"Then you will have two detentions."

"Then I'll blow them both off."

"For each detention you miss, I will assign you another in addition to the first."

"How many detentions you think I'll rack up by the end of the year, since I plan on skipping each one? I bet I break a hundred by Christmas."

"Mr. Corner, I will see you here tomorrow at seven o' clock for your detention."

"You will see me here when Harry Potter joins the Death Eaters, You-Know-Who does a can-can with the ghost of Albus Dumbledore, you remove the broomstick firmly wedged up your butt, I get a tramp stamp that says 'Long Live the Dark Lord', and Draco Malfoy grows a pair."

"Another detention, for insubordination."

"Up yours."

"_Crucio!_"

Michael's screams echo through the dungeon classroom.

"Professor, you can't do that!" Susan Bones says, standing up. "He's a student!"

"I am in charge of punishment, and unless you wish to be joining Mr. Corner in detention, I suggest you sit down."

"Not…worth it, Su…I won't be there," Michael says.

"_CRUCIO!"_

His screams fill the dungeon once more.


	4. Chapter 4

_Homework-Answer this question-Should we put Mudbloods in Azkaban or erect a new prison for them? 1 roll parchment_

Azkaban

By Hannah Abbott

First off, I'm writing this at three in the morning, after drinking an entire bottle of firewhiskey, eating twelve and a half Chocolate Frogs, and not sleeping for roughly seventy-two hours.

Fortunately, I have Spell-check.

Why? You wonder. Why is this model student, this Prefect doing this?

My father is dead.

Why is my father dead?

Because he cared enough to speak out about the treatments of Muggleborn people. He was thrown into Azkaban.

Then he died.

About your question: I refuse to answer, as it violates my personal beliefs.

I also ethically oppose the use of the word 'Mudblood'.

If you want my beliefs about Azkaban, they're this: I would personally like to rip it apart, stone by stone, with my bare hands.

Then I wish to throttle each and every Dementor in there.

So no, I don't think that Muggleborns should be put in Azkaban. I think you should be put in Azkaban.

Then they should sink the prison. You should drown while simultaneously losing your soul.

I know this thing doesn't answer your questions. Someday, I might try to bring myself to care.

I also know that this isn't one roll of parchment.

W

H

A

T

E

V

E

R

If I brought myself to care, I'd have bigger problems.

I

H

A

T

E

Y

O

U

If I were imaginative, and not sloshed, I might try to come up with an acrostic poem of sorts.

Not happening.

I hate you and I hope you die,

Hannah Abbott, resident orphan.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

"Where is Ms. Abbott?"

"Out," Ernie said shortly. Hannah was currently passed out in his dorm, but she didn't need to know that.

"Where, Mr. MacMillan?"

"Does it look like I stalk her? I don't know!" Technically a lie, but who cares.

"When you find her, inform her that she has detention tonight."

"No." Hannah was his best friend. And best friends stick together.

"You will, or you will join her."

"I'll be here at seven. Hannah won't be."


	5. Chapter 5

_Homework-Which form of stupidity causes the most deaths among Muggles? 1 roll parchment_

The Darwin Awards

By Padma Patil

I know what you're expecting: being born without magic or something stupid like that.

I think that's stupid.

I mean, the Darwin Awards win.

The Darwin Awards are a bunch of stories of people who improve the gene pool by taking themselves out of it. The requirements are that it has to be stupid and the person has to be in their right mind. For example, having sex on a plane instead of flying it. What a way to join the Mile-High Club. Apparently, bathrooms just don't cut it anymore.

I found the Darwin Awards two years ago when I was snogging a Muggle boy in his bedroom and I saw the book. I asked him about it, he lent me the book, we parted ways, and I haven't seen him since. I still have the book, actually.

Now, I know that usually we (we being the people who think you're insane) write interesting essays about how idiotic your ideas are. I still have time. I'm barely halfway done.

I have taken the liberty of assembling some Darwin Awards of my own. For the Wizarding community. I mean, despite the hilarity of six people drowning in a well trying to rescue a chicken which fell inside it (the chicken survived), wizards have magic to mess things up. Win.

Jake Federline (half-blood) drowned trying to light himself on fire in a swimming pool. Drunk on Firewhiskey, he wanted to see if he could light himself on fire. He was swimming at the time.

Castor Black (Pure-blood) drunk (again) and possibly high on Billywig stings and Cheering Charms, climbed Muggle power lines and impersonated a funambulist. That is to say, he pretended to be a tightrope-walker.

It's not confirmed whether or not he died of a broken neck or was electrocuted. My money is on electrocution.

Hannah Potter (Pure-blood) not drunk or high. She lived near a Dragon Sanctuary. That in itself should qualify, if you ask me, but it gets better. The dragons weren't exactly quiet, as you might guess. Especially not in the middle of hatching season.

Instead of the usual response of casting a Silencing charm, Hannah took matters into her own hands. Blasting through the wards around the Sanctuary, she began screaming and hexing a large dragon, _in the dragon's nest_.

Dragon hide is inordinately tough, so her hexes were only angering the thing more. The Ministry ruled that the dragon was perfectly within its rights to eat her.

Jamie Walter (half-blood)-Jamie's father was a Muggle. This means she should have known some things. High on LSD, Jamie found a bottle in her parent's garage. Thinking it was wine, she quaffed half the bottle.

She died late that night from antifreeze poisoning.

I think Hannah Potter really says what the Darwin Awards are all about. She had the capabilities to cast a Silencing Charm. She had gotten an O in Care of Magical Creatures. She was by no means mentally ill.

Yet she waltzed right into a _Mother Dragon's nest_ and began _hexing it_.

Darwin Award shoo-in.

I think you might qualify soon, actually. You work at a _Magical school_ where _everyone hates you_. I'm almost impressed by your boldness. Or suicidal tendencies. Either or.

Brains like that, you could be a Gryffindor.

Congratulations on being an Idiot and a Potential Darwin Award Winner.

I wish you the best of luck in making that potential a reality.

… … … … … … … … …

"Miss Patil, what was your purpose in writing your essay?"

"I wrote about the form of stupidity that causes the most deaths. I guess it's not so many deaths as funny and idiotic deaths, but still. Same thing, right?"

"I was referring to the magical part of your essay."

"I know, Jake Federline wasn't funny, just stupid. I liked Castor, but that might be because I just love the tightrope walkers at the circus."

"Your purpose, Miss Patil."

"To answer the essay question in the most non-discriminatory way. Why? What was the point of the essay?"

"For you to understand just how uncivilized Muggles are!"

"Muggles have been 'civilized' for at least twelve thousand years and are able to do such magical things as jump from the sky with nothing to stop their freefall but a bit of cloth. Can you do that, Professor? No? Then clearly they're more magical than we are. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to Charms. You know, a _useful_ class."


	6. Chapter 6

_Homework-essay-The Horrible Effects of Muggle Culture on the Magical Community-1 roll parchment_

The Horrible Effects of Muggle Culture on the Magical Community

By Susan Bones

When I got this essay topic, my first thought was 'I wonder if I should do what Lavender did'. Unfortunately, that felt a bit too much like copying, something no self-respecting Hufflepuff would do. So I sat, and I thought, and one memory really stood out to me.

It happened when I was eight, and on vacation in California. We were at a beach, and this scene I am about to describe to you actually happened. In broad daylight. And I was not the only one mentally scarred.

This scene has scarred many young children for years, magical and muggle.

On the beach was a very fat, very hairy man. His skin was pasty-white, and I haven't even gotten to the worst part.

He was wearing…the man Speedo.

The man Speedo bears a resemblance more to the woman's bikini bottom. On a fat man, it is a sight that makes people wish for a basilisk's glare in their direction.

It's not a very good look on anyone. Well, okay, the hot swimmers can wear it, if only so we can stare at their chests without seeming like such creepy people.

I, like Lavender Brown, have conducted a poll.

What are your thoughts on a fat guy in a Speedo?

Seamus Finnegan-7th year, Gryffindor: Some things are just not meant for impressionable young Irish seven-year-olds on vacation to the south of France…

Daphne Greengrass-7th year, Slytherin: I once had a nightmare that a fat guy in a Speedo was chasing me around and trying to sit on me. I haven't been able to function the same since. I can't even look at a fat guy on the beach without running.

Astoria Greengrass-5th year, Slytherin: Speedos in general are just wrong. They should be banned by every nation in the world.

Colin Creevey-6th year, Gryffindor: On family trips to the beach, my uncle is _that guy_. He's the one in the lime-green Speedo. Scarred for life at a young age…

Terry Boot-7th year, Ravenclaw: Wait, the Speedo is the bird's bikini bottom on men, right? On a _fat guy_? No, I don't want to see it. (here, I show him a picture) AUGH! EW! MY INNOCENCE!

Michael Corner-7th year, Ravenclaw: There is only one thing more scarring than a fat guy in a Speedo, and that is a fat guy in the banana hammock.

Eloise Midgen-7th year, Hufflepuff: Speedos scare me.

Hannah Abbott-7th year, Hufflepuff: What's a Speedo? (I tell her and show her the same picture I showed Terry Boot) You mean they wear that in _public_? You're kidding, right?

Attached is a picture of Colin's uncle Bertie. He is wearing, not his usual lime-green Speedo, but a more scarring one. This one, as you can see, is a very ugly yellowish color, chartreuse, if you will. The black dots all over it are not flattering in the slightest.

In fact, it looks like a rotten banana.

I'll leave this with you, and let you ponder the horrible effects of certain parts of Muggle Culture.

A word of advice: the thing I've found that removes that image the best from my head is by imagining Johnny Depp. But that might just be me. Anyway, it's late, and I'm bored. And I cannot bring myself to write any more about the Man-Speedo. And every time I glance to my left, I'm met with the picture of Colin's uncle. It's rather scarring.

Good luck, Professor. You'll need it.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

"Ms. Bones, what is the meaning of this?"

"Hey, blame Colin for taking it. All I did was paste it to the bottom of my essay in order to make a roll of parchment, and then make copies and hang them around the Great Hall, paying especial notice to the Slytherin table. Is that really a crime?"

"Yes."

"I am just trying to educate others to the horrors that some people inflict on the world. It's practically a homework assignment."

"No. It is not."

"It is propagating the effects of Muggle culture on the Magical Community. Right? And really, wasn't that the assignment?"

"Detention."

"Oh, here's a new one. How many people actually get detention for doing their homework properly, correctly, and passionately? I find this offensive. And, since I did the assignment to the best of my ability, I see no reason why I should show up. So you can take your detention and shove it up your-"

"_Crucio!_"


End file.
